Some narcissists who have had long marriages (with many affairs on the side) prefer to make a deal so that the family dynasty remains intact. I have known husbands and wives who have offered the other party millions of dollars to "stay in the marriage." In exchange for cash and other financial incentives, the narcissist makes it clear that he or she is romantically and sexually free to pursue other relationships. Some partners prefer to agree with this proposal and maintain the marriage façade. The reason for many is that they cannot give up the sumptuous lifestyle that the high-level, very successful narcissist provides. The injured party may complain and moan but he or she acquiesces to the irresistible offer.

Pro Clinical

There is the question of mediation rather than divorce. It is not impossible but very difficult. Narcissists are not willing to compromise;they are always right and they don't share blame or possessions.

Having studied and worked clinically in the area of narcissistic personality disorders for many years, I believe that it would be very rare to have a positive mediation result with a narcissist.

Those who choose to divorce a narcissist are entering a psychological thicket from which they can exit victoriously. Despite all of your psychological pain and the nightmare that you expect, be sure to do your homework. Study, interview and use word of mouth resources through friends and confidantes who know the work of several great divorce lawyers. Choose an attorney who specializes in divorce and who has been at the center of these battles innumerable times. Make sure that your attorney has a good character that is worthy of your trust and that he will fight for you with great perseverance. It is important that the lawyer understands the narcissistic personality disorder.

When the formal divorce process is over, the important personal work begins. Draw on your strengths. You will find mental and psychological resources that have been hidden under the intimidation of living with a narcissist for so long. Research, interview and find an excellent therapist who specializes in divorce with whom you can grieve your loss. Part of the healing after divorce are your assertive efforts to redirect your life. Call upon your close friends. Take good care of your physical, mental and emotional health. Be open to discover ways of healing yourself through physical exercise, yoga, meditation, support groups. After all of your work, you will find yourself leading a life that is calmer, healthier, more peaceful and creative----a life that belongs to you and that you share with others that come across your new path. Some day you may find yourself giving other spouses excellent counsel on how to successfully divorce a narcissist.

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Deep down, narcissists are unconsciously uncomfortable with women. Secretly, they despise them and are fearful of them. The male narcissist's relationship with women begins with his earliest interactions with his mother. The mother of a narcissist is often narcissistic herself. This mother creates an unbroken psychological fusion with the son. She adores him, putting him on a pedestal above ordinary mortals. The mother is often seductive with her son in various ways as part of the psychological fusion with him. Often the father is passive or psychologically unavailable. The mother chooses her son as her partner, rather than her husband. In this process, the mother emasculates her son. Emasculation is the deprivation of "strength, vigor, or spirit." This child is treated like a deity but has been tragically deprived of becoming a genuine independent self. Since early childhood the budding narcissist has been forced to dance to the tune of his mother's imposed role for him---her perfect little man, her psychological partner. In these families there is a dysfunctional family triangle in which the father is blocked from the role of providing his son with a solid sense of male strength and independence.

Pro Clinical

In his biography of Frank Lloyd Wright, Brendan Gill describes the classic relationship that mother Anna Lloyd Wright had with her son Frank: "(She) now loved something more, something created out of her own fervor of love and desire, a means to realize her vision." Her adoration of Frank and her disdain for her husband generated a dysfunctional triangle and a narcissistic duo. Although Frank had several mistresses and married a number of times, his psychological fusion with his mother remained intact until shortly before Anna's death.

The narcissist who takes command in the world, enjoys huge material success and has access to any number of women who acquiesce to his lead, remains beneath it all, a small, frightened, enraged boy, psychologically engulfed by a controlling, seductive mother who robbed him from becoming a genuine, loving, authentic human being.

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